Things to avoid when writing a song that you would like to appeal to me:
-Don't mention that you are singing a song in the song. That's ridiculous. i.e. "that's why I'm singing this song to you".
If you were a skilled lyricist we the listeners would be able to deduct by the context of the lyrics who is singing the song,
perhaps the motives and if we are lucky even the meaning, plot-twists, conflict and resolution.
Some artists take this one step further and they even remind the listener what they named the song. "I wrote a song for you.
It was called yellow". It actually still is called yellow according to the track listing on my iPod. This song was released right
at the cusp of iPod technology and before FM tagging so maybe he was throwing us a bone by reminding us of the title mid-
song in case we didn't know or perhaps it was an attempt at shameless self promotion but none-the-less it's pretty cheesy.
Thanks for the attempt to aid us with a better understanding of your art and the name of the song we are listening to but please, save the commentary for the DVD.
-Try to avoid at all costs shouting commands at me. Especially ones that expect to put me in a position of subordination.
i.e. "bow in the presence of greatness". No thanks, I'm driving. That might might be very difficult for me to do.
These artists sometimes go a little further to remind the listener that we are lucky to even have this artist singing for us on
their recording i.e. "you should be honored by my lateness that i would even show up to this fake shit". I would hope for your
own success that you would eventually show up to record your fake music but if you're having a hard time getting to the
studio on time please don't take that out on me or anyone else that's listening for that matter. It is very presumptuous of you
to assume that your listeners are concerned with your transportation woes and have the time to hear about it when they're
trying to absorb melody, diction, chord progression, time signature and rhythm all while text messaging the word "fun" to
228228 as they're driving to work.
-Try finishing sentences, completing thoughts and avoid using campy outdated expressions. An example of the former:
"I don't have digital". Digital what? If the rest of your thought doesn't fit into the rhyme, or rhythm scheme of the song then
don't use it. Think of something else. This leaves me very confused because I would like to know in particular what digital
device you are lacking in life. I would venture a guess that you must own at least a Casio Data Bank watch from the Eighties.
Even if you don't use it or it's battery has run out, surely you must still have it in a drawer somewhere. You are-by some grace of
God-a successful recording artist. I'm sure that you must have a digital mobile phone, digital alarm clark, digital camera, digital
recording equipment, a digital cordless phone, DVD player, an iPod, a CD player, Digital Auto-Tune, DVR, Digital Cable or
Satellite, and some digital effects pedals to name a few.
An example of the latter: "I don't have diddly squat". I don't even know if I can articulate why this bothers me but then again,
should I even have to? These two lines put together brings me to my next point.
-You are a very successful recording artist. You are famous. You have nice things. You have expensive cars, attractive partners,
you're concerned with your appearance. Don't write songs from the perspective of having nothing and/or wanting to be rich and famous. You lost the right be "ironic" and write about these things when you obtained fame and fortune. That's right I'm talking about YOU Nickelback and Lily Allen, and some other Country singer nobody reading this will care about.
See Rockstar lyrics by Nickelback (http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/nickelback/rockstar.html). I'm pretty sure you already have most of the things you're talking about in the song. It's not funny, It's not ironic, you're not fooling anyone. In fact it's a slap in the face to people listening that can't even afford to stay in their homes when you write about wanting all these lavish things that you can easily afford.
The Fear by Lily Allen isn't as bad. It's kind of a different angle. But if you're a tabloid celebrity constantly feuding with other celebrities over the ISH you're part of the problem and have no right to write about that. (http://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/lily+allen/THE+FEAR/). You want fuckloads of diamonds? Go down to the diamond store and get some. "And i’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless cuz everyone knows that’s how you get famous". Is that why you're topless every other week on the celebrity gossip sites or is just because you're British? I'm not hating on you Lily. I'm actually a fan. I'm just calling you out on your faux pas. Nickelback on the other hand, I am hating on you. Please stop already. Maybe Nickelback will become Jay Leno's house band on his upcoming show and we can float them all out to a proper burial on an iceberg off of Nova Scotia.
-Don't say "Rock n' Roll" and don't mention the instruments used to Rock n' Roll. Some artists are unfortunate enough to have committed both Faux Pas in one song. Ladies and gentlemen I give to you AC/DC's Let There Be Rock. http://www.asklyrics.com/display/Ac_Dc/LET_THERE_BE_ROCK_Lyrics/58370.htm
This is lyrical cheese at its best. "And it came to pass/That rock 'n' roll was born/All across the land every rockin' band". A brief history of how Rock and Roll was born. I'm still unclear if this is the scientific explanation or the religious explanation. "Let there be light/Sound/Drums/Guitar/Let there be rock". This somewhat leads me to believe perhaps the religious explanation. It seemed historically sound up until the part where Tchaikovsky rose from the dead after 67 years and commanded that there be these things that he probably wasn't very familiar with in their modern form. And then there they were, just like that and rocking ensued. I would not, under any circumstance, feel comfortable singing along to this song.
As you might know by now I don't like to be reminded that I'm listening a song that someone is singing or that they wrote it, why they wrote it and what it was called. I am a fan of complete thoughts and not a fan of silly expressions. I feel that if you really dig deep or use the ISH you could possibly find a better expression.
I also don't like rich and famous people passing judgement on other rich and famous people for being rich and famous.
I don't need a fictional recounting of how Rock N' Roll came to be nor do I need a lesson in the orchestration the genre is comprised of.
If you are writing a song and would like me to enjoy it please try hard to follow these guidelines I have outlined and hope that you don't unknowingly commit any further faux pas that I have yet to mention. I appreciate any attempts you make at compliance. It will not go unnoticed.
That about concludes part one of Lyrical Faux Pas and other cheesy things part one. Be on the look out for part two.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Why are people still casting you in movies? Okay, so you were in a hit sitcom like ten years ago and you were pretty hot. You're still kind of hot but you're really annoying and you ultimately play the same character (Rachel) in every movie. You also did date John Mayer and I don't know if that is a good thing or if that counts against you. It did make his twitter the most awesome-ist ever, but he did also dump you which leads me to believe that you were either really annoying, really boring or didn't appreciate a good dirty Sanchez. Anyway, I digress, the point is start showing your tits and maybe hollywood will let you stick around a little longer and unjustly take our money or start swallowing so you can keep a man and you'll just forget about acting for a while.
Monday, May 11, 2009
This is why iTunes, iPods and Apple products in general will always have flaws. Apple has a conflict of interest when it comes to PMP's and software pertaining to file sharing. Apple wants to control what you can do with your iPod and iPhone because they ultimately only want you to be able to purchase music/media from their iTunes store and then want control where you can play that media and how you can share it. Or not share it actually. They will always fall short of putting the ultimate product out because this will always be a concern of theirs. Sanza does not care how many computers you connect your PMP to. They do not care if you take files from your computer and put them on another computer via their product. Once they've sold it to you they can really care less what you do with it. I've never seen a company try so hard to control what you do with their products after they've sold them to you as Apple does. They are even trying to make it illegal to jailbreak your iPhone. I use an iPod and am even typing this on a MacBook but I have yet to drink the Kool-aid. It bothers me that every time I install a software update I have to agree to a new EULA and stress out about what features the update will actually take away, like which 3rd party iPod software will all of a sudden stop working so I can't take music off my iPod. We should be able use our iPods with as many computers as we want to. I paid $300 for the item I should be able to use it as I please. But Apple wants to prevent its consumers from sharing music with each other via the iPod, thus limiting the overall greatness of what the product could be. The law is the law. Stealing and "sharing" is illegal but it's not Apple job to enforce the law. But it is their job to protect their own interests. Apple wants to have their cake and eat it too. So far they're achieving that goal. But soon enough people will start wising up to their sneakiness and intentional product shortcomings. They'll get fed up with finding out the limitations of a product after they've tried doing something simple and logical when it's too late to return the product. Then hopefully when Apple returns to their mid/late 90's sales figures they'll finally get it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Basically what this means is the the people running these organizations can't do their jobs properly. So, they get to go "oops, we fucked up. But that's okay we'll just charge more and give less."
I am going to start imposing these policies in my every day life and employment. We'll see how far I get.
Imagine being able to walk into your employers office and say "I'm sorry I really created a financial mess for myself and I can't get ahead. I just couldn't budget myself properly. I'm behind on my rent, my cable got shut off and my credit card debt is out of control. So here's what's got to happen. You're going to start paying me 23% more and I'm going to have to cut back my hours here so I can start straightening this mess out." This would of course occur when the company was really short staffed and short on revenue.
I don't mind paying taxes. They are necessary. If I was making over 250k annually I wouldn't mind doing my part and paying "higher" taxes. But don't go trying to tax everything you can think of because you can't do your job and balance a budget.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I was sitting in my home when I heard the sound of glass bottles clanking together one by one. I got off of my sofa and looked out the window to see a presumably homeless man transferring the worthy contents of my recycling bin to his shopping cart and then I pondered this.
I thought what if. What if there was no recycling? Not just the separation of recyclables and perishables by the homeowners and tenants themselves but the overall lack of monetary incentive to recycle i.e. recycling machines at the local supermarkets.
There is an entire separate economy that is sustaining a particular lifestyle and it's all in part due to recycling. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Sometimes it's strange how things just fall into place and are taken for granted. What if we as society removed these machines? What would the people dependent upon them do to survive? Would theft, robberies and crime in general increase? Would the sudden influx of job seekers be a detriment to the employed and the unemployment system?
I'm sure everyone that partakes in this practice has a different reason for doing so. I'm glad that there are means for these persons to legitimately raise enough money to be able to eat and survive. But it is strange how something one does to survive in lieu of working becomes work itself. They're like farmers reaping the harvest. Perhaps "glass farmer" or "aluminum farmer" would be a fitting term.
I am not sure if anyone has ever really delved into this particular subject before but I'm sure that there is more to think about than comes to mind at first glance.
What most people probably see is just some guy picking through their receptacles for bottles and cans. What I saw out there today was a worker out on his daily route, competing against the other workers on their routes trying to gather the most crop so that he will be able to survive another day. This isn't some fly by night operation. This is something that most likely takes a while to learn. I'm sure the veterans have all the routes and pick up days in the city memorized and the early bird does indeed get the worm. I have seen the same said persons in my neighborhood and also miles away at other times.
Perhaps one day I will gather enough courage to ask them of their story. The things I would like to know about them are:
-Are they in fact homeless? Sometimes I wonder if some of these folks aren't actually homeless but just poor and trying to raise extra money. For those who aren't homeless I would ask why they choose this as an alternative to procuring legitimate employment. For most homeless persons I believe the biggest obstacle standing in the way of gaining employment is not having a residence, a shower, clean clothing, and a phone. To them I would ask why they choose not to take advantage of shelters as a stepping stone to help get them back up on their feet.
-How they ended up homeless.
-When did they realize that bottle collecting was going to be a reality as a means to their survival?
-If offered gainful employment would you accept it?
I believe that some of the people do this because they absolutely must and that they would love the opportunity to pick themselves back up and get a job and their own residence.
Contrary to that I also believe that some of the people that partake in this practice do it because they would rather survive on their own terms than be a subject to authority and contribute to society.
To the ones that have lost their jobs and their homes and perhaps have no family to turn to. For those that really have no choice but to go through life surviving each day so they can make it to the next. For those that would be grateful for an opportunity to have a home and be employed and do everything they could to improve their lives... my heart goes out to you.